Unbetitelt

furiousgoldfish:

Am I in an abusive relationship/friendship? Checklist. Bold the ones that happened to you, italicize if you’re not sure. Originally written for relationships, later realized most points are applicable to friendships as well. (some are relationship specific, so you can ignore them if you’re checking for friendship, also this works for marriage as well)

Physical abuse

• they sometimes push me, kick me, and/or intimidate me physically
  
• they’ve hit me before, and I’m scared they might do it again
  
• they make it clear that they want to hit me
  
• they’ve been hitting walls, throwing things around me and at me, kicking objects or furniture, making it clear they’re barely controlling themselves not to hit me
  
• they sometimes corner me/trap me with their body so I can’t escape (during arguments or otherwise)
  
• they left painful marks on my body (from gripping my body too tight in anger, from pushing me to fall down, from rough treatment, dragging)
  
• they sometimes hurt me but it’s only because they have short temper/alcohol problem/tough day at work/other things they deal with
  
• they sometimes hurt me but they make it clear it’s only because of something I’ve done/said or something I failed to do or say
  
• they’ve choked me, restrained my movements, pinned me down and refused to let me go even though I was struggling/paralyzed
  
• they’ve ignored my cries of pain and kept hurting me
  
• I’ve been in hospital before due to the injuries they’ve caused me
  
• they sometimes make me feel like my life is in danger

Social abuse

• they hate my friends, and want me to spend less time with them, or completely cut them out of my life
  
• they’ve affected me to drop more than one friend from my life
  
• they’ve managed to isolate me from family members, friends, acquaintances and people I used to enjoy spending my time with
  
• they get angry if I enjoy my time out with friends/family, and call my socializing derogatory names, as if hanging out with people was a luxury I’m not supposed to enjoy
  
• they lie about what people have said about me/think about me, in a way that makes me feel humiliated and hated by everyone
  
• their behaviour towards me changes drastically based on who we’re with, they’re completely different when we’re alone compared to when we are in someone else’s company
  
• they lie about our relationship to others, in front of me, and I feel I’m not allowed to challenge them
  
• they threaten me in private to how I’m supposed to act when in public
  
• they humiliate me in public and in front of their friends
  
• they tell people to “just ignore me” and teach them how to dismiss me and my feelings
  
• they talk badly about me to their friends and family and/or mine
  
• they lie to others about what I’ve said and done, making sure I look awful
  
• they make decisions for me and relay them to others without my permission, making sure I look selfish/rude/inconsistent/cruel if I don’t follow through
  
• they mock my talk, walk, behaviour, opinions and features in front of others
  
• they allow others to insult and humiliate me, and they dismiss it all as jokes
  
• they allow others to say offensive, triggering and cruel things to me and they encourage it
  
• they use my reactions to prove to others how I’m overemotional, too sensitive, hysterical or crazy
  

Emotional abuse

• they yell at me even when I’m already crying
  
• they make me feel as if no matter how much I try, I’m never good enough
  
• they call me ugly/lazy/worthless/miserable/toxic, and act like they’re allowed to because it’s the “truth”
  
• when I really need their help/support/comfort, they’re emotionally unavailable, or show no interest in helping me
  
• they make me feel guilty and ashamed if I’m not there for them at any moment, and accuse me of caring too much about other people and activities, when I should make it all about them
  
• they use every opportunity to talk about themselves and ignore whatever I say as if I only said it to offer them a chance to talk about their own issues, even if their issues are much smaller
  
• they intentionally leave out some vital details about their life and feelings, only to use them later to prove how neglectful and ignorant I am of their issues, regardless of how much I listen to them
  
• they make me participate in activities I don’t enjoy, benefit, or feel comfortable doing
  
• they exclude me on purpose from activities I would have enjoyed doing
  
• they get angry if I don’t readily quit my own activities for the sake of accompanying them on theirs
  
• when planning, they always assume and take for granted I’ll do all the heavy and unpleasant work
  
• they refuse to do a same favour for me that I’ve done for them in the past
  
• they purposely do their part of the work badly so I would never ask them to do it again
  
• they purposely manage activities so that I end up doing more unpleasant and draining work
  
• it’s always assumed I’ll sacrifice my goals and needs for the sake of theirs
  
• they seem to forget I have need for attention, affection and support, and no matter how much of it I give to them, I rarely or never get any in return
  
• they don’t do anything for me, to the point where I feel neglected, lonely and sad as if I’m not in a relationship at all
  
• if I point out they neglect me, they get angry and act as if I’m expecting the impossible from them, and accuse me of neglecting them instead
  
• they’ve cheated on me before
  
• they’ve cheated on me and decided it was my fault, because I wasn’t doing enough for them
  
• they’ve cheated on me and demand forgiveness
  
• they flirt with others when they know it makes me insecure and scared
  
• they lie about the time they spend with others and make me feel guilty for doubting their lies
  
• they go over my stuff, look thru my phone/computer/other private device, and make arguments to why they have the right to do it, and why I’m not to be trusted
  
• they accuse me of cheating, flirting, and wanting to have relationships with others, to the point where I’m not allowed to look or talk to another person without getting punished for it
  
• they feel they have the right to punish me, and often let me know they’re deciding just how dire of a punishment i have deserved
  
• they insist on keeping the relationship secret to everyone, and I’m not allowed to let anyone know I’m even talking to them
  
• they lied to me about having other relationships or being married
  
• they make me feel like I’m hard to love
  
• they frequently remind me of how much I am to deal with, and how much they have to sacrifice because of me
  
• they frequently remind me of my every bad feature to remind me that I’m a burden to them, and that I should be grateful they still tolerate me
  
• they keep promising they will never hurt me again, but they still keep repeating it
  
• I always have to be reminded of how tough they had it and all the reasons they have for acting hurtful the way they do
  
• I always have to focus on their problems, and push mine under the surface, theirs just seem to be more important
  
• I always have to be considerate and hide my pain in order to not make them feel guilty
  
• I always have to forgive them and keep acting like nothing bad happened when they hurt me
  
• I’m sometimes scared of them, but I push it down and remind myself of the nice things they did
  
• I’m sometimes worried they’re going to hurt me, but I remind myself of their potential to love me
  
• I often feel used and exploited by them, and like they’re only with me to get something out of it
  
• I keep waiting for them to return my love and act more supportive towards me for a long time
  
• I sometimes want to break up but every time I start feeling this way they do something to make me feel too guilty to leave, or give me more hope that things will get better if I stay.
  
• I feel if I leave them I’ll be doing the same thing everyone else has done to them, and I don’t want to be that person.
  
• I feel obligated to stay because they’ll have nobody without me.
  
• I feel like I owe them too much to leave them.
  
• I feel like I’m here to prove to them that not everyone is awful, and that they can get what they need in life, and to restore their faith in humanity, and for this I’ve been enduring everything they did to me.
  
• I feel like nobody will ever love me again if I leave.
  
• I feel like I wouldn’t be able to survive without them.
  
• I’m scared they’ll hurt me if I leave.
  
• I’m scared they’ll hurt themselves if I leave.
  
• they’ve threatened to hurt me, or hurt themselves if I leave
  

Psychological abuse

• they insult me and/or call me names and slurs, and play it off as a joke a moment afterwards
  
• they insist i don’t have a real reason for getting upset/offended/hurt
  
• they humiliate and blame me for having problems and struggling with life
  
• they insist that I caused all the problems for myself and I wouldn’t have them if I wasn’t so stupid/incapable/slow/mentally ill/lazy/problematic
  
• they insist my problems are “made up” or just me dramatizing my situation
  
• they question my choices until I start doubting them myself
  
• they claim I’m too emotional and irrational to be making any choices
  
• they call me “too difficult” or “too complicated” to deal with, and to love
  
• they make me responsible for their feelings and actions towards me (if they do something it’s because “I made them do it”, if they feel angry it’s because I “provoked” them, if they feel unsatisfied it’s because I haven’t done enough for them)
  
• they use my chronic illness/mental illness/psychological issues against me, to prove that I’m not a full person worthy of love, and that they’re supposed to be praised and rewarded for dealing with me
  
• they use my past trauma/past experiences to explain why I’m distrustful and why I perceive them the way I do (implying that my perception is wrong and it’s my fault I don’t trust them)
  
• they demand to decide how I should perceive their actions (they insist I should find their hurtful actions funny, charming, acts of good intentions)
  
• they minimize and dismiss my feelings, concern, worry, anxiety, fear (you’re exaggerating, you’re dramatizing, get over it, get over yourself, people have it worse, you’re lucky, you should be grateful)
  
• I can’t openly tell them when they’ve hurt me, I know it will make them angry/sad/upset
  
• they make me comfort them when they hurt me
  
• they get angry at mere implication that they did something wrong, and will fight to prove me otherwise, and punish me for making such accusation
  
• they use my lack of knowledge in certain areas to make me look extremely dumb and ignorant
  
• they belittle and put down my ideas, opinions, experiences and thoughts
  
• they sometimes act like they don’t remember something they said or did to me that was really hurtful
  
• they sometimes act like i did things they did (they will smash a vase and then ask me who smashed it, or why did I smash it the next day)
  
• they insist they didn’t do or say things I can clearly remember them doing or saying, they demand my memory is wrong and that I must be imagining things (I would never do/say that!)
  

Body control

• they make comments about my appearance that lowers my confidence
  
• they make blatant requests and demands about how I should look/dress/take care of myself
  
• they make demands and requests to what I should do with my own body
  
• they talk as if it would be stupid for me to make my own decisions
  
• they insult my body features, criticize my appearance, my weight, my dress choices
• they insult features I feel really insecure about, and it makes me feel worse
  
• they laugh at my appearance in front of others, and try to get others to notice a flaw
  
• they compare me to others to show me how I should look, act and behave (why aren’t you more like x?)
  

Financial abuse (relationship/marriage specific)

• they decided I spend too much and used it to take control of finances
  
• they insist on controlling the finances and income, and dismiss me as too incapable to deal with such things
  
• they don’t like me having a source of income and insist I should become financially dependent on them (maybe they framed it like “you don’t have to work, I’ll take care of you”)
  
• they’ve managed to make me financially dependent on them, and they’re using it against me
  
• they demand I don’t have equal rights to decide and manage our finances since they’re the only one bringing the income
  
• they withhold money from me unless I do everything they want and expect of me to do
  
• they make priorities to spend on luxury for themselves, while dismissing my necessities (basic clothing, food, hygiene items, healthcare needs, current project needs)
  
• they decide how much I’m allowed to spend and I have to show proof of it
  
• they lie to me about finances and our current standing
  
• they spend large amounts of money secretly (on gambling, prostitution, alcohol, drugs)
  
• I was forced to pay off their debts/credits/payments for their own belongings
  
• I was forced to save them from financial trouble, and they only made more financial trouble
  
• I’m forced to support them due to their unwillingness to work/losing a job on purpose
  
• they emotionally/psychologically abuse me if I don’t give them full rights to my finances
  

Sexual abuse (tw rape)

• they sexualize my behaviour, take my words and actions sexually when they’re not meant to be, and accuse me of “provoking them”
  
• they get upset and angry if I refuse them for sex, or if I refuse to do a certain act
  
• they punish me for refusing, withhold affection, care, resources from me
  
• they don’t accept me saying “no” to sex, and will keep pressuring me
  
• I don’t always feel like I can easily say no to them, they make me feel like I owe them sex
  
• they’ve told me I’m ungrateful, cruel, selfish and withholding for refusing
  
• if I said yes to something they assume it’s a yes for every time they want it, I’m not allowed to change my mind afterwards
• I’m forced to give them sexual favours for holidays/birthdays that I don’t enjoy or want to do
  
• they pressure and coerce me into sex acts I’m not sure I want to do, or I’m sure I don’t want to do them
  
• they’ve been pressuring me to include other people in our sexual life, when I don’t want to
  
• they’ve physically forced me into sex without my consent before
• they touch me when I don’t feel comfortable with them doing so
  
• they don’t stop touching me when I tense up/freeze
  
• they’re rough and inconsiderate during sex, and don’t seem to care if they’re hurting me
  
• they don’t stop when I’m hurt, overwhelmed, in pain, crying, making pained noises, paralyzing
  
• they use sex to lash out their anger, and end up hurting me
  
• they humiliate, insult, call me derogatory names and slurs, and emotionally abuse me during sex
  
• they’ve inflicted injuries onto me during sex
  
• they’ve done things I specifically told them not to during sex
  
• they’ve done things to me during sex that I mentioned before to be uncomfortable with
  
• they’ve put me in position where I couldn’t refuse to do a sexual act
  
• they control me during sex, and will get angry or forceful if I don’t obey
  
• they refuse to offer any gentleness and physical care during sex
  
• they refuse to be gentle and considerate to me except after they’ve already hurt me sexually
  
• they demand a lot of  sexual attention but refuse to give any to me
  
• they demand a lot of touch and physical affection but refuse to look at me or touch me the same way
  
• they will call me disgusting/undesirable/ugly/unlovable and refuse to touch me, at the same time demanding that I give them what they want sexually
  
• they’ve done things to me without my knowledge (while incapacitated, asleep, unconscious)
  
• they’ve filmed our sexual contact without my knowledge, and/or shared it with others

*even if you seek out or derive pleasure from sexual abuse it will still inflict psychological injuries, and any person who would harm you during intimacy is not safe for your well being

If you bolded more than 7 items on this list, you are dealing with an abusive partner/friend. This is not a complete list of abusive behaviour, but it’s as extensive as I was able to make it. If you can think of more abusive behaviour not listed here, add it to the list! Also, if you have confirmed you’re in an abusive relationship with a man, your next reading should be “Why does he do that”, download it here.

(via furiousgoldfish)

furiousgoldfish:

you don’t have to prove that someone is abusive in order to cut them out of your life, if they’re wasting your time and energy, draining you, making you feel miserable, putting way less effort in communicating than you are, blocking your thoughts and opinions, triggering you, making you cry, causing you pain, making you feel awful about yourself - you can cut them off with no further reason needed “I need different things in life right now” is a reason enough.

(via furiousgoldfish)

furiousgoldfish:

Abusive parents are the only ones who go convincing their children they don’t deserve basic resources and need to be grateful for being allowed to have any. First, you have to be grateful for having a roof under your head, then you have to be grateful that you get to eat food, then you have to express gratitude for being able to own clothing, then for being allowed basic resources like books and a bag so you can go to school, you have to be grateful for a ride, for a bed to sleep in, for being allowed to live.

These are not things that should require any gratitude. Every child brought in this world has every right to food, shelter, comfort, clothing and any other resource they need to feel safe and happy and to develop all the interests and hobbies they want to. Anything else is unacceptable. Do we bring children in this world just to have them fear for their own lives? Do we have children so we could starve them, have them hurt or killed with cold and heat, to deny them living space and right to comfort? Do we bring children in the world so we could torture them? If not, then there’s no fucking reason they should be grateful they aren’t being killed on purpose.

What abusive parents are trying to do is make the child feel it’s not allowed to exist anywhere past the boundaries the parents set. If they can convince a child they don’t have a right to living space, next thing they can convince the child is that having their personal living space is selfish, that they’re taking living space from someone else, who actually deserves it,  and acting out of bounds when they want to move out. It makes sure children don’t ask for money, so they can’t accumulate money and escape. Hell, it even makes sure that when children are offered money they don’t feel they’ve earned, they’ll refuse it, and it will make it a lot harder for children to get financially safe and independent if they come into adulthood strongly believing they deserve nothing. They will work for next to no wages. They will struggle so hard. Survival will become something terrifying and out of bounds and will force them to come back to parents.

You take your living space as you please. You eat and spend all you can. You take everything and live wherever you want. The assholes don’t get to tell you what you deserve or not. The monsters don’t get to define where or how you’re allowed to exist. Those who would force gratitude for things you have every right to, actually have nothing on you. You do not owe them shit. You were in fact, entitled to the living space the second you were born. You were entitled to food and clothes and any resource you needed. What’s more, you were entitled to loving parents who would make sure you grow up unharmed, healthy and with the best start in life they could have possibly given you. You were entitled to more than they ever gave you. It’s them who owe you a childhood. It’s them who owe you a home and a family. Not you who owes them because sometimes they would remember they in fact had a kid, and it was in fact, illegal not to feed and clothe them. Fuck the guilt tripping. You deserve more than they gave you. 

(via furiousgoldfish)

abnormall:

im so tired of just surviving and living day by day. will i ever get to be alive and live a life im actually proud of? or will i just endure this misery until i cant anymore?

(via wishing-for-deathx)

furiousgoldfish:

Was I sexually abused in childhood by adults? Checklist. Bold the ones that happened to you, italicize if you’re unsure. This is an extremely triggering list, please proceed only if you’re ready to go through this.

Psychological and verbal sexual abuse perpetuated by adults

• adults looking at you sexually (even if they don’t vocalize it, you can usually sense that someone is looking at you with weird intentions)
  
• adults vocalizing their sexual views of you, calling you sexual names, commenting on you in a sexual way, objectifying you and acting like you exist only for their pleasure
  
• adults calling you sexual slurs
  
• adults commenting on your private parts in any way that makes you uncomfortable (pretty much any kind of talk that is not about giving you objective information, or medical assistance)
  
• adults implying in any way they wish to have sex with you (“only if you were older”, calling you jailbait or anything in similar context)
  
• adults blaming the shape of your body, or your appearance, for their sexual interest of you
  
• adults claiming your body is “sinful” or “provocative” or “asking for it” and forcing you to cover it
  
• adults saying any sexual thing they would like to do to you, or implying that any part of you exists for their pleasure
  
• adults insulting your private parts and humiliating you
  
• adults comparing you to pornography or other sexually provocative adults
  
• adults exposing you to pornographic materials (even if you accidentally stumble on them, it was their responsibility to protect you from that)
  
• adults forcing you to look at pornographic materials
  
• adults sending you any kind of nude or sexual images or materials
  
• adults telling you in detail about their experiences of sexual abuse and rape
  
• adults humiliating you for development of your body and any changes you’re going thru
  
• adults humiliating your bodily functions
  
• adults watching you masturbate, or trying to expose you to others
  
• an adult claiming that you enjoy sexual acts, or the idea of them, and humiliating you based on their claims
  
• an adult claiming that you are filthy and perverted for “liking certain sexual acts”
  
• adults managing to engage in conversation with you online and turning it sexual
  
• adults asking you to send them images or videos of yourself via internet or phone, and coercing you into sexual conversations and behaviour
  
• adults influencing you into touching yourself or into any other sexual act (online or in person)
  
• adults making you feel “used” or “damaged” after they touched you or imposed the idea that you’re only good while pure and untouched
  

Parental sexual abuse (though anything on this list can be perpetuated by parent)

• parents denying your privacy and demanding you have to be exposed to them at all times (when changing clothes, bathing, etc)
  
• parents exposing you to, and failing to protect you from sexual predators
  
• parents failing to provide you with proper medical care and protection when you need it
  
• parent blaming you for sexual abuse, and siding with your abuser
  
• parents accusing you of sexual behaviour and attacking you for it
  
• parents imposing the myth of virginity on you and insisting non-virgins are impure or dirty
  
• parents exposing you to false information on sex (you should bleed, or that it should hurt)
  
• parents failing to provide you positive touch, making you easily accept touch from strangers
  

Sexual grooming done to children so they wouldn’t resist or even detect sexual abuse

• adults introducing you to sexual experiences very early on so you wouldn’t feel there’s something un-normal or predatory about it as you grow up
  
• adults grooming you into thinking that sexual advances from adults mean you’re special and mature, and it’s a good and normal thing
  
• an adult bonding with you as if you were their age, trying to make you feel special and have you lower your guard around them, so you’d be more easy to sexually abuse later
  
• adults inviting your flirtatious or sexual behaviour and approving of it, engaging in activities as if it’s okay if you started it or showed interest in them
  
• adults taking your interest and affection towards them as an excuse that they’re allowed to do anything they wish with you, and making it seem like you asked for it
  
• adults neglecting to give you any sort of attention except sexual, coercing you to choose between presenting yourself in sexual way, or being completely ignored and neglected and written off as “worthless”
  
• an adult trying to make you feel bad if you don’t like the idea of sex, or don’t seem to want to engage in sexual activities at all, or seem hesitant about it
  
• an adult implying that eventually you will have to have sex, no matter if you wanted or not
  
• an adult teaching you how you should react to sex, trying to get you to ignore your instincts and boundaries and just accept whatever is happening to you
  
• an adult telling you that “everyone does this” and making you feel like you’re behind on everyone if you refuse their sexual advances
  
• an adult telling you about others they’ve sexually abused and trying to get you to normalize this type of behaviour and accept that it happens to everyone
  
• an adult making decisions about your sexuality and telling you what you should enjoy sexually
  
• an adult exposing you to grooming materials where group of people you can relate to are being used as sexual outlets or toys (used as sexual slaves or pets, dehumanized and reduced to toys)
  
• an adult implying that you are or will be anyone’s “property” or “sexual outlet” and trying to “prepare you for it”
  
• adults using their position of power (teachers, authority figures, coaches) to ease you into accepting their sexual advances
  
• adults getting upset and making you feel bad if you don’t like the idea of sex or aren’t interested
  
• adults praising you if you do accept their sexual advances and trying to ease you into accepting more
  
• adults trying to get you addicted to pain and into craving sexual attention from them
  
• adults calling their sexual abuse “love” and trying to frame it as “them loving you”
  
• adults framing their sexual abuse as a “game” and you’re supposed to play along
  
• adults doing anything to you that you didn’t know is sexual and abusive, and would absolutely resist had you known that it was abuse, and that it would leave heavy psychological consequences on you
  

Physical sexual abuse perpetuated by adults

• adults using sexual abuse (spanking, any kind of hitting or humiliation of your private areas) as a punishment for misbehaviour
  
• an adult trapping you inside of a room or closed space and acting physically close with you, making you feel uncomfortable and endangered while you know it would be hard to escape
  
• adults slapping, hitting, groping or fondling your private areas
  
• adults exposing your underwear or touching it (snapping your bra, lifting your skirt, pulling on your underwear)
  

TW extremely triggering sexual abuse and rape

• an adult kissing your mouth
  
• an adult groping or fondling you
  
• an adult undressing you and looking at you with sexual desire
  
• an adult coercing you into undressing yourself in front of them and ogling your body
  
• an adult taking a picture of you naked and using you to create child pornography
  
• an adult sharing a sexual picture of you on the internet or any other media
  
• an adult filming you or making any kind of sexual recording of you
  
• an adult coercing you to get into sexual poses for them (even professionally, it’s still abuse)
  
• an adult staring at your genitals or asking you to expose yourself to them
  
• an adult exposing their genitals in front of you
  
• an adult touching themselves in front of you
  
• an adult having you touch them sexually
  
• an adult having you tell them that you want to be touched in your private areas
  
• an adult having you tell them to do sexual things to you (even if you say it by your own will, they are responsible for stopping you and letting you know it’s inappropriate, they have no right to sexually engage with you)
  
• an adult sneaking into your bed and touching you sexually
  
• an adults speaking to you as if you’re their sexual partner
  
• an adult having you touch themselves in front of them
  
• an adult having sexual intercourse with you (it doesn’t matter if they do it gently or if you initiated it or if you didn’t resist, it’s rape, children cannot consent to sex)
  
• an adult engaging in oral, anal, or any kind of sex with you, or making you interact with any object sexually
  
• an adult inflicting any kind of pain or injury on your genitals
• an adult coercing you to have sexual relations with another adult or child
  
• an adult harming you sexually
  
• an adult praising you for enduring their sexual abuse and rape, trying to frame it as if you’ve done a good thing by staying silent or not resisting
  
• an adult having you say that you wanted it
  
• an adult saying that you provoked them into sexually abusing you
  
• an adult calling their sexual behaviour “a secret” you’re not allowed to tell anyone
  
• an adult threatening to hurt you, your family, or someone you love if you expose their sexual behaviour
  
• an adult threatening to expose what they’ve done to you in order to humiliate you and cast shadow on your name
  
• an adult blackmailing you with sexual materials they’ve made of you

 

*it’s impossible for children to stop or resist sexual abuse, because if an adult is willing to rape a child, that adult is willing to kill a child as well, child’s instincts stop them from resisting in hope their life will be spared

*children are never responsible for sexual abuse being inflicted on them, not if they ask for it, not if they initiate it, adults are responsible for protecting children for abuse, and if they use anything as an excuse to gain pleasure from molesting a child, they’re monsters

*if any of this is done to you by another child, it is still abuse, it still causes harm to you, and you still suffer consequences of it, your body is still being violated weather the perpetuators knows what they’re doing or not

*all of these are abusive even when you’re an adult, after turning 18 you’re not magically protected from grooming or any kind of abuse, and a lot of people can still take advantage of you sexually and harm you, nobody should be grooming or objectifying you or touching you without your consent at any stage in your life

*if your body reacts with arousal and lubrication to sexual abuse, it’s not a sign of you enjoying or liking it, your body is doing it for self protection, it would harm you much worse to be raped or abused without lubrication, same with orgasms, not a sign of pleasure, but desperation for it to be over

if you can bold 3 or more of these, you’ve been thru sexual abuse as a child.

(via furiousgoldfish)

furiousgoldfish:

Signs you might have endured childhood sexual abuse:

• missing memories, reoccurring nightmares, blurred memories, unexplained fear of touch
  
• waking up with a burning feeling and no memories of what happened
  
• flashbacks to events you’re unsure if they were or weren’t sexual assaults
  
• low self confidence, low self worth, extremely closing in, fear of being publically humiliated
  
• your private parts hurting or feeling weird and aroused with undertone of fear and panic
  
• feeling nauseous and sick to your stomach from nightmares or even thinking about sex
  
• feeling panic and terror upon the idea of someone touching you sexually, or touching you at all
  
• lack of any kind of sexual attraction, inability to figure out sexuality
  
• having intrusive thoughts about rape and sexual abuse, not being able to imagine sexual scenario where you’re not forced into it against your will
  
• not having any sexual desire of your own, feeling like it’s up to others to use your body for their pleasure, not wanting to participate in it
  
• feelings of numbness, dissociation, feeling like your limbs don’t belong to you, feeling dissociated from your genitals or private parts as if they’re not a part of your body
  
• feelings of disgust of your own body, feeling your body is distorted and wrong
  
• dysphoria and strong discomfort with the shape of your body
  
• strong desire to change the appearance of your body to one that wouldn’t be viewed as sexual
  
• weight gain/weight loss, feeling more comfortable in a body that isn’t likely to be seen as attractive and thus less likely to become a target of sexual abuse
  
• or opposite, feeling that without being attractive you’re not good for anything or anyone
  
• constant sexual behaviour and acting out as only way to cope with low self confidence
  
• hypersexual behaviour, inappropriate touching of others, sexual abuse of other children without realizing that you’re doing anything wrong because it’s normalized in your mind
  
• sexual attraction only towards a group with a big age difference (for instance, if you’ve been abused by adult, you can end up only attracted to someone much older than you)
  
• addiction to sexual abuse, craving pain and only feeling good if there’s power play and violence involved in sexual activities
  
• feeling that people using you sexually, harming, controlling, objectifying and dehumanizing you for pleasure and enjoying your pain is a normal and okay
  
• strong desire to play out certain sexual scenarios and getting a thrill out of them, but also feeling uneasy and uncomfortable about them
  
• strong arousal while watching depictions or reading descriptions of rape and sexual assault
  
• involvement in sexually degrading, dangerous, and impulsive sexual behaviour, not feeling like you can control your impulses, engaging in unsafe and painful sex
  
• strong inner fear of not being good enough for anything but sexual activities or being used sexually
  
• involvement with pornography, prostitution or other psychologically and physically damaging industries due to inner feeling that you’re not good enough for anything else

Once you had endured childhood sexual abuse, these factors are reinforcing the trauma and forcing you to re-live it, thus also abusive:

• being stripped in front of others without your consent
  
• being forced into physical contact with others when you don’t want to (hugs, kisses, being held, being restrained)
  
• being humiliated for showing symptoms of sexual abuse (wetting bed, having infections or any kind of problems with genitals, shying away from touch, showing weird sexual behaviour)
  
• having your private areas touched or medically examined without your consent
  
• sexual abuse survivors being shamed and blamed in front of you, reinforcing the idea that it was your fault and that you’ll get the same treatment if you ever speak up
  
• being forced to wear type of clothing that will make you feel unsafe (for instance, being pressured to wear revealing or too short clothing that makes you feel like a sexual target)
  
• being objectified and told in any way that you’re only good for sexual activities/sexual abuse
  
• confessing about what happened and being blamed it
  
• confessing and having someone yell at you, blame you, minimize it, try to force you to forget it or keep it down, shaming you for it, or acting like it was in any way a normal or tolerable thing
  
• confessing and having people act like you destroyed the family by saying it out loud
  
• confessing and having people side with the abuser
  
• confessing and being accused of lying, making it up, or dramatizing
  
• confessing and still not being protected from the abuser, nobody prosecuting or looking to prosecute the abuser, nobody offering you reassurance or compassion for what you went through
  

(via furiousgoldfish)

lightuptokio:

“where do you see yourself 10 years from now?” is a pretty common question. a lot of people would probably answer “married”, “with kids”, “in a job i like”, “travelling around the world”, all that cliche stuff. and all i can think of is “dead”. literally dead, under the dirt, worms eating my flesh or something like that lol. maybe, and hopefully, that vision goes away in some time, maybe months, maybe another 5 years? but if you asked me right now, that is my answer. my mom wants me to look for a job, maybe study something that i like, and i literally have no idea what to do. why? because i didn’t think i’d make it this far. and this is not encouraging, this is fucking terrifying. suicidal thoughts had never been so realistic in my mind, and i can’t think ahead because all i see is self-destruction and death. 

i can’t let my doctor know this, for some reason. there’s a voice in my fucking head that says i can’t, and i’m listening to it for now. i’m trying to find a distraction and motivation in all the wrong things. holy shit i literally discovered my sexuality a few days ago, how to hell am i supposed to choose something that’s going to be my job forever? how can i face life when i live every freaking day thinking about how much i want to end it? 

i’m not sure if anyone’s going to relate to this, and i hope no-one does, but i don’t post a lot and i really needed to get this off my chest. i have never been so suicidal in my whole life, so depressed, but i don’t feel helpless. i just feel nothing. i guess i kind of accepted that my destiny is to commit suicide, and all those “big life problems” are just meaningless because there’s no other end for my story. 

and i’m really sorry to my family, i know you guys don’t understand a fucking word in english and have no idea i have a blog lol. but yeah, i’m sorry. i have been living because of you, because i really don’t want to hurt you. but the things that have happened in 2018 really pushed me to the edge, and i don’t know how much longer i can hold on. hell i didn’t even think i would be alive a week ago, for my birthday. it’s not fair, i know. i don’t let you help me, because i really don’t want to be helped. some people are born for this shit life, but i guess some others don’t have an interest in it, or maybe it’s too much for them, and they decide to end it. i know it is way too much for me, and the only real chance that i see for myself is to go to another country, get away from everything i have ever known, and try to start over. i just can’t live here anymore. you’ll probably think that my doctor could help, but i know she can’t. 

i’m sorry for the long post, i’m sure nobody will read it. but i guess it’s the closest thing to a suicide note i have ever written, and it had to be written somewhere away from my fam. 

stay strong, guys, please don’t let yourselves become like me. i know you can do better, and i hope people don’t fuck you over the way they did with me :)

- Neli

sweetdreams-and-cruelnightmares:

“but please don’t be sad. don’t dwell on the “I could have" and the “I should have”. It’s not your fault. In the end it was all me”

— pt. 2

outspokencriticism:

When you’ve already planned out your suicide but then someone you really care for hurts you, so you can’t kill yourself as soon as you planned because then they might blame themselves, so you just suck it up a little longer to protect the ones you love, all the while it’s literally hurting you more and more to stay alive, and you can’t tell anyone because anytime you do they just say #same #mood or tell you that it’s not as bad as you’re making it out to be.  #justsuicidalthings

(via outspokencriticism-deactivated2)